Breaking News: Teslas in… SPACE

Hello comrades, it’s your old PAL Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here again to SMASH your faces into the TURNBUCKLE of TRUTH. AS you may have noticed, I haven’t been AROUND much lately. No, GEORGE SOROS didn’t have me disappeared to a secret DEEP STATE detention center on an EXXON oil rig in international waters. He … Continue reading Breaking News: Teslas in… SPACE

Live & Uncensored: Tax the Sun

Yo Knotheads, Sour Patch Kids, Taylor Disciples, and other cool cats, it is I—your lord and savior Corey Taylor. You know what I read today? Well, quite a bit. You see, despite being the world’s most famous and most handsome rock and roll singer, I still make time to get a lot of reading done. … Continue reading Live & Uncensored: Tax the Sun

Live & Uncensored: Taxes? Schmaxes!

Hey Knotheads™, Sour Patch Kids™, and other obvious fans of mine, this is me—Corey Taylor—and I’m mad as all heck right now. Notice how I didn’t swear just there? Yeah, I know this column is called “Live & Uncensored”, but I decided to censor myself anyway. That’s how uncensored it is. I can say and … Continue reading Live & Uncensored: Taxes? Schmaxes!

Breaking News: Fox in the House of Mouse

Greetings comrades, Uncle Jesse “The NEWSMAN” Ventura here to set the record straight with my biceps of knowledge. It’s being reported THAT the Walt Disney corporation is buying up 21st Century Fox for over $52 billion DOLLARS. That’s more MONEY than I’ve earned at ALL my Wretlemanias put together! Some ARE speculating that DISNEY is … Continue reading Breaking News: Fox in the House of Mouse

Live & Uncensored: Gillibranded

Hey Knotheads and other fans of mine, it’s me—Corey Taylor—back again to do my moral obligation as the greatest and most handsome singer of all time to bring you my thoughts on stuff. Some may ask, what about Ronnie James Dio, Rob Halford, or Bruce Dickinson? Aren’t they greater? The answer is NO. I’m the … Continue reading Live & Uncensored: Gillibranded

Breaking News: Straight Dope

Hello again folks, it’s your ol’ pal Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here to RATTLE the cages and break this folding CHAIR of KNOWLedge over your puny little skulls. News dropped today from the InterNATIONAL Olympic Committee that the nation of Russia will be BARRED from the 2018 games as punishment for systematic state-SPONSORED doping at … Continue reading Breaking News: Straight Dope

Live & Uncensored: Trumpahontas

Hey Knotheads and other fiendish readers, Corey Taylor here to set the record straight. Okay, so like, as you have already heard because my fans are the smartest, most well-educated music fans on this planet, Donald Trump, or as I like to call him, “Mr. Dumb Dumb Head,” used an ethnic slur toward American Indians … Continue reading Live & Uncensored: Trumpahontas

Breaking News: Cybernetic Monday

Hello FOLKS, Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here to crush your brainwashed minds with my MIGHTY THIGHS of truth. While you were PROBably busy stuffing GMO giblets into the desecrated ORIFICES of your antiBIOTIC-injected holiday turkeys, I was busy researching our IMMINENT doom. It used-ta be that on the Friday AFTER Thanksgiving, sovereign AMERICAN CITIZENS would … Continue reading Breaking News: Cybernetic Monday

Breaking News: Death from Above

Hello folks, Jesse "The Newsman” Ventura here bringing you the REAL news straight from the TURNbuckle of TRUTH. Reuters has reported that AUSTRALIA is planning on unLEASHING a series of shark deTECTing drones in an atteMPT to make its beaches safer for the children. These ROBOTS can supposedly DETECT sharks from not-sharks swimming around in … Continue reading Breaking News: Death from Above

Breaking News: The Atomic Supermen

Hello again MAGGOTS, it’s your ol’ PAL Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here break some NEWS into your body. United States scientists have successfully MODIFIED the DNA of a VIAble human embryo using some thing called CRISPR. No folks, that ain’t no dating APP for fans of George Hamilton. No, it’s SOMEthing FAR more nefarious. While … Continue reading Breaking News: The Atomic Supermen

Breaking News: Trump Wrestles CNN?

Hello COMRADES, it’s Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here again to DELIVER you the latest HARD HITTING news. On Sunday July 2, Donald Trump, the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, retweeted a video of him wrestling the CNN in a no-holds-barred fight. First of ALL, if THIS video were real—which I’ll get to inna MINUTE—it would … Continue reading Breaking News: Trump Wrestles CNN?

Breaking News: Vladimir Putin and Sandwich Balloons

Hello FOLKS, Jesse "The Newsman" Ventura HERE. As you may have HEARD, I have taken up a job at RT. Let me ADDRESS your concerns here before I get to today’s news. First of all, just because I WORK for a Russian propaganda network, that doesn’t mean I am a STOOGE of VLADimir PUTIN. I … Continue reading Breaking News: Vladimir Putin and Sandwich Balloons

Breaking News w/Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura: #covfefe

Hello FOLKS, this is Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura bringing you nothing but the REAL news, not that fake CRAP delivered to you by none other than the Rothschilds themselves. Our brother Chris Berman is TAKING some TIME off while he copes with a personal TRAGEDY. I believe THAT was a political hit by the DNC … Continue reading Breaking News w/Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura: #covfefe

Breaking News w/Chris Berman: Jury Convicts Woman for Laughing at Jeff Sessions

Look out folks, this one is a doozy! HuffPost is reporting that a jury has convicted Desiree “Let’s Go to the” Fairooz for laughing during the Jeff “Studio” Sessions's confirmation hearing when it was said that Sessions treats people equally and fairly, even if they aren’t racially white. Whoop whoop! Not sure why they’ve asked … Continue reading Breaking News w/Chris Berman: Jury Convicts Woman for Laughing at Jeff Sessions

Breaking News w/Chris Berman: ESPN Announces Mass Layoffs

My employers at ESPN are rumblin’, stumblin’, and bumblin’ with their announcement of massive layoffs. Included in the cut are Jay “Stick In My” Crawford, Ed “Mark My” Werder, Trent “Kosher” Dilfer, and the entire frozen tundra of the NHL department. During the Stanley Cup playoff season, no less! Whoop whoop! Swami sayz this is … Continue reading Breaking News w/Chris Berman: ESPN Announces Mass Layoffs