Breaking News: Fox in the House of Mouse

Greetings comrades, Uncle Jesse “The NEWSMAN” Ventura here to set the record straight with my biceps of knowledge. It’s being reported THAT the Walt Disney corporation is buying up 21st Century Fox for over $52 billion DOLLARS. That’s more MONEY than I’ve earned at ALL my Wretlemanias put together! Some ARE speculating that DISNEY is buyING Fox for their MARVEL properties, or their STAR WARS rights, or THEIR streaming CONTENT, but I can TELL ya something, and I’ll tell YA for FREE—it’s all CRAP!

Disney is buying Fox for the rights to Greg the Bunny. I know that THAT may sound STRANGE, but ya gotta FOLLOW the money here. That SITCOM starring a bonch of puppets and THAT GUY from American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile was CANCELED for a reason, and THAT reason wasn’t bad ratings. I can tell ya that for a fact, JACK!

Greg the Bunny had an unAIRED episode where the TITULAR character told the TRUTH about the FROZEN HEAD of Walt DISNEY. His head, which rests in a CRYOgenic chamber deep WITHIN the eye of Teddy Roosevelt on Mount Rushmore is hooked up to that Watson IBM JEOPARDY! computor. Now I KNOW what you’re thinkin’: “Jesse ‘The Newsman’ Ventura, isn’t Jeopardy a SONY property?” Well, THAT’S JOST more evidence to support my case! WATSON was chosen to play on JEOPARDY! to distract you from what it was really built to do. It did such a good JOB that you didn’t even notice that WATSON is short for WALT. Yup. That’s a FACT.

You SEE, they have a WHOLE Ocean’s 12 style plot to break into the Federal Reserve and put WATSON in the VAULT with all the fiat currency. ONCE THERE, Disney is going to send an e-fax conTAINING all the money. HE will THEN use that VAULT to store the DISNEY BAck catalogue of films and MERCHANDISE. The DISNEY vault will be reLOCATED to tha Federal Reserve.

So then, why would their RIVAL Fox not AIR this episode of TELEvision then? GEE, could it be that MAYBE Rupert Murdoch was involved? Yup. That’s right, maggots! Rupert MURDOCH was gonna be the bell HOP that brings Watson Disney inTO the VAULT. He KNEW that Walt Disney HAD dirt on him and that he HAD to comply. What that dirt is, I cannot SAY. Even with my ADVANCED alien techNOLogy, those Murdoch boys would straight up MURDER my ass.

By BUYING the Fox Network, Disney is going to be ABLE to destroy that episode of television, and ELIMINATE Murdoch’s mutually assured blackmail. The ONLY way to stop this, since our GOVERNMENT is now firmly in the gloves of the Big Mouse, is for you to hit Like and Subscribe. And follow my PATREON. It’s not actually ACTIVE yet because they refuse to deal in bars of GOLD, but that’s WHY you should write to your CONGRESSMAN to have them change THAT.

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