Listen up, ya bunch of Knotheads and Sour Patch Kids! Do you like what I did there? I pretended as though my nickname for you, dear fans of mine, was an insult. It’s not, though. You wear it as a badge of honor. Put that on your resumés. Write on the top of it, “Proud Knothead and/or Sour Patch Kid.” I hope you would use the and, but it’s cool if you don’t like both bands. Not everything is for everyone. Except my music. I write every song so that it can relate and speak to every single person on Earth. At least those who know English. I don’t know any other languages, so I can’t write in those. I tried to do a Slipknot song in Portuguese using Google Translate once, but Clown wouldn’t let me. He even put a parental lock on my computer and blocked the website. I still can’t go on there!
Speaking of the internet, one website I am still allowed to go on is Twitter. When I logged on the other day to see that Elong Must was buying it, oh, it gave me so many thoughts.
Elong Must. He’s that guy that made my car robot, right? You know, I drove that Tesla around for about a week before it broke down. I tried to pump some gas into it, but it didn’t do much good. The gas nozzle didn’t even fit properly, and then it just sprayed all over the place. We had a show the next day, and I was still so soaked in gasoline, I caught on fire. It hurt like heck! I censored myself there. You know, there might be children reading this. As I mentioned before, I write for everyone. Except for the Portuguese, as we discussed earlier. Maybe someday my nephew can teach me to get around the parental locks.
So after my experience with his poorly designed car, I was already questioning this guy’s intelligence. Then I hear he bought Twitter. Is this guy some kind of moron? Elong, if you’re reading this, lemme let you in on a little secret—Twitter is free, man! You don’t need to pay for it. Especially not billions of dollars! Who are you buying it from, a Nigerian prince?
Listen, to use Twitter, you just load up your internet and login to the website. Then you can post whatever you want. That’s it! No money involved whatsoever. You can even do it on your phone. Wait a minute… Is Google Translate on phones too?