Breaking News: The Atomic Supermen

Hello again MAGGOTS, it’s your ol’ PAL Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here break some NEWS into your body.

United States scientists have successfully MODIFIED the DNA of a VIAble human embryo using some thing called CRISPR. No folks, that ain’t no dating APP for fans of George Hamilton. No, it’s SOMEthing FAR more nefarious.

While THEY want you to believe it’s some DNA strand or something—whatever the HECK that is—it’s actually a weaponized autism strand conCOCTED by the Motorola corporation. Since their scheme inVOLVING tiny robots DISGUISED as miniature carrots didn’t PAN out, they, along with their Chinese parent company Lenovo, are MODIFYING humans with the AUTISM in order to convert them into some sort of super soldiers—pOSSibly even crocodilian—in order for CHINA reclaim Manchuria from Russia.

VLADimir PUTIN isn’t sitting idly by, either. The Pacific Northwest is undergoing an intense heatwave, with temperatures that could be the highest they’ve been in the past century. What does this have to do with Russia? Oh I don’t know, is it JOST a coincidence that PUTIN has a Weather Control Machine?

seattle_burn
A Seattle resident stops by Pike Place Market

Intense heat hAS been proven to cook AUTISM out of meat. The medical ESTABLISHMENT might not recognize this, but we all KNOW that they are PAID OFF by Pfizer and BIG TEFLON to push PILLS and non-stick pans onto people, but I KNOW better.

Since humans of EARTH are nothing but meat, meat juice, and RAW sexuality, Putin’s goal is to cook the CHINESE gene-tinkering before the atomic super men even develop! That autism will sweat RIGHT out of ya, like Hulk Hogan did when I confronted him over RATTING me out to Vince MacMahon. He may have that GAWKER money, but I am my OWN man. And I have my own TV show. On Thursdays, my BOSSES at RT even let me eat with the rest of the STAFF at the cafeteria. I’ve never seen HOGAN at the cafeteria!

It’s a GAME of global Genetics vs. Climate, and we’re all CHINESE checkers.

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