Breaking News w/Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura: #covfefe

Hello FOLKS, this is Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura bringing you nothing but the REAL news, not that fake CRAP delivered to you by none other than the Rothschilds themselves. Our brother Chris Berman is TAKING some TIME off while he copes with a personal TRAGEDY. I believe THAT was a political hit by the DNC because they knew he was getting too close to the TRUTH about the primaries, but I’ll just let that BE for right now.

I am POUNDING away at my keyboard today to report on DONALD Trump’s bizARre Tweet last night.

Ripped from the headlines!

While many pundits and talking heads out there will speculate that maybe his PHONE was taken away mid-Tweet or that he fell asleep Tweeting, I can tell you right here, right now, as I stand here in the no-holds-barred News Ring in front of a crowd of raging fans, that’s all just a bunch of CRAP.

DONald Trump doesn’t sleep. I can tell you this for a FACT. Unlike most of our PREVIOUS presidents who have been varying degrees of reptilian from the planet Quagnar-7, Donald TRUMP is a plant-based organism reLATED to the common onion or SHALLOT. He recharges THROUGH the sun, not through SLEEP. It’s why he said he’d be up at 3 A.M.

The TRUTH is that “covfefe” is a SECRET codeword used to AWAKEN sleeper agents. During my TIME as an intergalactic OFFICER of the LAW, I encountered many sleeper agents that was awaken with this very word. The word comes from Xi’ni’xian species on the seventh moon of Neptune.

VLADIMIR Putin is a known reptilian and he must’ve learnt a thing or two from the Xi’ni’xians on his LAST vacation to his home planet. Since WE know the guy’s got the DIRT Trump needs to grow, we can put two and TWO together to determine that PUTIN told Trump to activate his sleeper agents. Probably on behalf of the Build-A-Bear Group. If you think those plastic HEARTS are there for any other reason than to SPY on YOU and funnel your loose change back to the 1%, then you nEED to wake up, my friend.

If you encounter any of THESE agents in the wild, you don’t gotta be a NAVY SEAL like me to survive. All you gotta do is engage these bivalved creatures in hand-to-hand COMBAT—as is your constitutional right! It may take you THREE rounds in the ring, but if you stick to YOUR constitutional values, they should GO DOWN easily.

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