Hey Knotheads and other fans of mine, it’s me—Corey Taylor—back again to do my moral obligation as the greatest and most handsome singer of all time to bring you my thoughts on stuff. Some may ask, what about Ronnie James Dio, Rob Halford, or Bruce Dickinson? Aren’t they greater? The answer is NO. I’m the greatest. They’re great, but I’m greater. You see, my greatness extends beyond just Slipknot. I also sing for Stone Sour. That’s two bands. AT. THE. SAME. TIME. Yeah, Dio did Dio, Sabbath, and Rainbow, but not all at once! That makes me all the greater. Plus I wear a mask in one of the bands, and no mask in the other. That’s like, taking on two entirely different personas, man!
Anyway, earlier today, President “Poopy Pants” Trump took to Twitter to insult the senator from New York Kirsten Gillibrand for calling on him to resign for (allegedly) sexually assaulting multiple women.
Gillibrand wasn’t the only senator to call on Trump to resign, but she is the only woman to do so. Incidentally, there are no women in Slipknot, but it’s not because we’re sexist misogynist pigs or anything. In fact, seven years ago, we considered adding a rhythm trash can player to the band, and a woman was our top pick. She nailed the audition! She even provided her own aluminum baseball bat! But alas, she didn’t get in the band. All of our jumpsuits are in men’s sizes, and she didn’t fit into any without looking stupid. As a band of integrity, we couldn’t risk looking stupid, so we scrapped the whole idea. That said, it’s time for the Chugga Chugga Breakdown™.
This Tweet is straight up disgusting. “Straight Up Disgusting” was the name of my first band, by the way. We recorded only one demo. I wrote, sang, and performed all of the instruments. I think. You know what? It may have actually been a dream. Yeah, it was probably a dream. Sorry guys. No long lost Corey Taylor demos today. Try again tomorrow though.
The Tweet is beyond bullying, it’s straight up sexual harassment. He stops just short of calling a sitting US Senator a prostitute, which is strange because she didn’t even piss on him! Get it? Do you get it? Here, let me explain it to you. You see, there is allegedly a sex tape featuring Donald Trump and two Russian prostitutes either pissing on each other, pissing on the bed, or pissing on the Donald. It’s depraved shit too depraved to even be on one of my albums. And my albums? They’re, like, edgy, man. Probably the edgiest shit ever made, man. No band is edgier. That means, no bands ever feature piss. And don’t tell me anything about GWAR. I’ve never heard of GWAR! Slipknot is wholly original. We invented wearing costumes while performing metal music. We’re the first, and the best.
Should Trump resign? Maybe. Probably. I think, like, he should just step down now. We should get to throw eggs and tomatoes at him as he takes his last flight out of the Whitehouse and back to his New York apartment. Then, like, one of my bands should play a sidewalk show outside. Which band? It doesn’t matter to me, but you should tell my assistant. I don’t want to show up to a Slipknot show and not have my mask, or show up to a Stone Sour show wearing a mask. It would be embarrassing.
That’s all for now. Check back next time when I share my thoughts on Szechuan cuisine versus Cantonese cuisine.