Hey Knotheads and other fiendish readers, Corey Taylor here to set the record straight. Okay, so like, as you have already heard because my fans are the smartest, most well-educated music fans on this planet, Donald Trump, or as I like to call him, “Mr. Dumb Dumb Head,” used an ethnic slur toward American Indians at an event honoring the Navajo Code Talkers. That’s right, I used a New York Times link. You see, I’m a smart guy. Wicked smart, man. Probably the smartest metal vocalist of all time. Anyway, while talking about how brave these men were, he threw in a jab at Senator Elizabeth Warren, calling her Pocahontas. You know, like that Disney cartoon starring a notable anti-semite misogynist.
Adding insult to injury—which just so happens to be the name of my next non-fiction book and possibly even the next single from Slipknot—he gave his speech in front of a statue of Andrew “The Indian Killer” Jackson. That’s like honoring Jewish soldiers in front of a Mel Gibson frozen in carbonite. That’s a Star Wars reference. Although I’m a rocker, I’m also a bit of a nerd. Like my shirt? I had my personal shopper pick it up for me at Urban Outfitters.
Now for the Chugga Chugga Breakdown™!
This is, like, racist, and shit. It’s like, horrible, and stuff. The President of the United States of America should have more tact and honor than to openly mock the ethnic group that he’s honoring. He or she. Hilary Clinton did, in fact, win this election. I didn’t include non-binary or third gender people because I don’t think America would go for that yet. I think by the end of the next Stone Sour tour, though, I should have reached out to enough Americans to make that happen. Tons of people go to my shows, no matter which band I’m in.
Part of why might be because I’m a gorgeous man. I mean, I was voted number one in the Most Attractive Singer Awards in, oh, I don’t remember which magazine. You can look it up. It’s probably on Blabbermouth by now.
Anyway, racism is lame, man. I come from Iowa, which is full of that stuff, and you know, I just don’t like it. Believe me, I tried it. The first Slipknot album was going to feature a picture of Neil Diamond in blackface as the cover, but our label correctly turned it down. And I thank them for it every day. No, I really do. I send an edible arrangement to their offices on a daily basis. Yesterday’s featured chocolate-covered strawberries. That shit was probably delicious. If you’re reading this, Ricky, I hope you ate some. Leave me a comment below if you thought they were delicious.
When this long nightmare comes to an end, history books will look back at this and say, “This president was a racist bastard with tiny hands!” The books will go on to say, “Corey Taylor was and still is, the best looking and best sounding rock vocalist of all time. Much better than Mr. Nickelback. That guy sucks!”