Breaking News: Straight Dope

Hello again folks, it’s your ol’ pal Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here to RATTLE the cages and break this folding CHAIR of KNOWLedge over your puny little skulls.

News dropped today from the InterNATIONAL Olympic Committee that the nation of Russia will be BARRED from the 2018 games as punishment for systematic state-SPONSORED doping at the previous games. The Russians, and pROBably Vladimir PUTIN himself, were allegedly sending BOTTLES of urine through a hole in the wall of the URINE storage room AND into an UNSECURED storage location next door.

Before we get into the OBVIOUS scheme inVOLVING super-powered Russian athletes, let’s first EXAMINE what lurks BENEATH the surface. Isn’t it JOST a bit ODD that this scandal involves URINE when the Russian election HACKING scandal also involves a URINE-based form of BLACKMAIL? I think what I THINK is that THAT piss tape inVOLVING the PRESIDENT of the United STATES of America and two Russian ladies of the NIGHT was TAKEN through a hole in the WALL of that hotel. That hole in the WALL tape was not taken by VLADIMIR PUTIN, though. It was TAKEN by none other than DONALD TRUMP himself.

That’s right FOLKS, this is an INSIDE JOB. From your ears to MY eyes, this has the stench of TRUMP’s grease-covered little fingers all OVER it. HE likely did it beCAUSE he knows that by banning RUSSIA from the OLYMPICS, he won’t HAVE to engage in the WORLD LEADER CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING competition against PUTIN. Trump knows he CAN take down PRESIDENT Xi in a wrestling match, and the WOMEN leaders compete separately, but there is NO WAY, JOSÉ that he can take out my RT boss VLADIMIR PUTIN. PUTIN is jacked up on MUSCLE JUICE, BABY!

But what about the supermen Putin is breeding, you MIGHT ask. WELL, let me tell ya. Putin is breeding super-powered athletes. THAT IS A FACT! HOWEVER, he is NOT doing so for the OLYMPIC games. Putin’s supermen are powered by the decaying RUINS of Chernobyl NOT to win gold medals, but IN FACT to win BACK Crimea. It’s a MILITARY effort, NOT an athletic one.

AS an ATHLETE and a NAVY SEAL, I am UNIQUELY qualified on this subject manner. I tell ya, with 110% certainty, that the IOC has been BAMBOOZLED.


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