Breaking News: Vladimir Putin and Sandwich Balloons

Hello FOLKS, Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura HERE. As you may have HEARD, I have taken up a job at RT. Let me ADDRESS your concerns here before I get to today’s news. First of all, just because I WORK for a Russian propaganda network, that doesn’t mean I am a STOOGE of VLADimir PUTIN. I am MY own man, which is why Vince McMahon won’t work with me anymore. I trademarked MY OWN NAME, which led to us ENGAGING in HAND-to-hand comBAT in an a barbwire cage.

File Photo: Russian President Vladimir Putin at McDonald’s

This isn’t even the first TIME that I worked for the reptilians. When I had my show World Championship Conspiracy with U.S. Navy Seal Jesse “The Body and Mind” Ventura on the Gamera News Network, not once did I try to PUSH the reptilian AGENDA. In FACT, my show GOT cancelled after I exposed the truth on Gamera’s status as friend of ALL children.

Now, let’s talk about what really matters. KFC has launched a Chicken Zinger sandwich into space this morning on a “Stratollite” balloon. Now here is where it GETS interesting. They LAUNCHED this balloon at 9:11 EDT this morning. That’s 9:11 New York time. As in 9/11. What we have here is a HUGE revelation, my friends. I have been TALKING about the link between KFC and the ATTACKS on 9/11 since my old show Conspiracy Babies on the Nickelodeon network. In case you haven’t seen it, let me spill out the inFORMATION.

KFC is a subsidiary of Yum! Brands, Inc. The restauRANTS owned by Yum! all have a LIFETIME partnership with the PepsiCo. PepsiCo owns Frito-Lay. Frito-Lay uses GMO corn to produce Cracker Jacks. Not only are Cracker Jacks in BED with the MLB, but they are also the official snack of the Knights of Columbus. That’s HOW they have footage of the second shooter on the grassy knoll. For only 1000 proofs of purchase, they’ll send you the real tape of the Kennedy assassination. I would obTAIN the video MYSELF, but I don’t like CARAMEL corn. It gets stuck in my teeth, and dental floss is a SCAM perpetuated by BIG TWINE™. And THAT is a FACT!

PepsiCo is also headquartered in the state of New York. Gee, what a coincidence. They know the truth behind JFK and JUST HAPPEN to be in the same state as 9/11. I’m sure it has nothing to do with the time machine Coca-Cola and General ELECTRIC were maKING in the basement of Tower 7.

Now Yum! (and by EXTENSION PepsiCo) are sending a camera-enabled sandwich balloon to the edge of space in order to spy on FREEDOM LOVING AMERICANS in a DESPERATE attempt to track down and execute those who spread the truth behind their use of terrorism as an act of corporate sabotage. These are SCARY TIMES folks. THAT is why I formally CHALLENGE the Colonel to a televised ladder match. Let’s settle this ONCE and for all like MEN.

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