Hello COMRADES, it’s Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here again to DELIVER you the latest HARD HITTING news. On Sunday July 2, Donald Trump, the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, retweeted a video of him wrestling the CNN in a no-holds-barred fight. First of ALL, if THIS video were real—which I’ll get to inna MINUTE—it would show a comPLETE lack of character for our sitting COMmander IN chief. I tell you this as a 12-time CHAMPion wrestler and as the sitting WRESTLING ambassador to the nation of Turkmenistan, you DO NOT wrestle outSIDE of the ring, if at ALL possible. You CERTAINLY do not instigate such an attack. Had CNN hit the president with a folding chair or a reinforced aluminum ladder, that would be a completely different story. But that isn’t what HAPPENED. The president attACKED the network without any PROVOCATION outSIDE of the SANCtity of the RING.
At least that’s what he WANTs you to BELieve. I can tell you with ALL certainty that the video tweeted out by President TRUMP is nothing but a HOAX. Don’t beLIEVE the official story, folks! If you look AT the video closely, you’ll see some discrepancies. When the President takes CNN to the ground, you’ll notice that CNN’s head doesn’t LINE UP correctly. Believe me, I KNOW what I’M talking about here, folks. I have experience wrestling TV networks. Back in 2007, I wrestled the ANIMAL PLANET and DisCOVERY Kids in a two-versus-one charity match. As I pummeled their heads to the ground using my SUPERIOR strength and WIT, not ONCE did their heads jostle on a LINEAR plane. Granted, they were STILL transitioning to High DEFintion at the time, but according to my correspondence with an EXPERT on TV transitions, that SHOULDN’T HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE!
I’LL tell you what really HAPPENED HERE, folks. The Donald Trump—whose real name I canNOT print here legally as he has it COPYRIGHTED, and the roYALTies required to print it are ENOUGH to bankrupt even the Free Ma$on$—in conjunction with VLADIMIR PUTIN, hired a film producer to FAKE this video to make AMERICA think that our PRESIDENT is stronger than he actually IS. Who IS that film producer you ASK? None other than J.J. Abrams. Think aBOUT it. J.J. Abrams is a known PURVEYOR of computer graphics TECHnology. In fact, I read in a source that I caNNOT reveal that his first CHILD is entirely computer generated. That is a FACT.
Abrams is also from NEW YORK. What ELSE is in New York? Oh, I don’t know: TRUMP TOWER. He is also the writer and director of Mission Impossible III. This is a HUGE clue, my friends. Trump’s estimated net worth is around $3 billion. That’s right, THREE. His hotels serve taco bowls. Tacos are a TYPE of Mexican food. Burritos are ALSO a type of Mexican food. MISSION-style burritos are popular in California where, wouldn’t you know it, Hollywood is located. It’s almost as IF J.J. Abrams was warning US that this IMPOSSIBLE video was a HOAX the whole time.
Now WHY would he do the video? I’ll TELL YA, and I’m putting MY LIFE on the line to do so. The TRUMP adminisTRATION threatened to pull the PLUG on the computer that GENERATES his child. Yes, HE has battery BACKUP on the computer, but as WE ALL KNOW, batteries can’T power computers for LONG thanks to GENERAL MOTORS buying up the good battery patents in oRDER to KILL the ELECTRIC CAR. But that’s a SUBJECT for another TIME.