Breaking News: Cybernetic Monday

Hello FOLKS, Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here to crush your brainwashed minds with my MIGHTY THIGHS of truth. While you were PROBably busy stuffing GMO giblets into the desecrated ORIFICES of your antiBIOTIC-injected holiday turkeys, I was busy researching our IMMINENT doom.

It used-ta be that on the Friday AFTER Thanksgiving, sovereign AMERICAN CITIZENS would get out of bed early AND enter into hand-to-hand COMBAT at the local SHOPPING mall in order to get a new Flowbee® for half OFF. Now that the onLINE INTERnet has invaded our POCKETS (except for MINE, as I WISELY live off the GRID), this EXERCISE in capitalism has extended through the weekend and onto Monday. Cyber Monday, THEY call it. Well readers, I am here to tell you TODAY that there is NO CYBER MONDAY. It’s a MADE UP holiday CONJURED up by Jeff BEZOS, the Walton family, and Lycos DOT COM.

CHECK the FACTS, JACK! You ever notice HOW no other days of the year have CYBERNetic upgrades, AND yet I still get emails with promo CODES from my Russian PALS for male enhancement pills? And let me tell you, right HERE, and right NOW, these pills are TOTALLY unnecessary. Give me a BOTTLE of turnip juice, a RAW egg, and a Kohls catalogue and I’m GOOD to go, BABY!

So WHY make up this holiday in the first place? Is it JUST to sell you some more stuff? Yes, but it GOES deeper than that. It’s a plan HIDDEN in plain SIGHT! ALL the proceeds of CYBER Monday go toward building the MECHANIZED workforce that is gearing up to REPEAL and REPLACE the American working class. JEFF Bezos himSELF is just a Cray X-MP supercomputer projecting a 3D HOLOGRAM rendering of a billionaire. I first LEARNED that when I wasn’t given the PART of the TITLE character on that new AMAZOn series The Tick, even THOUGH I spent 8 months in the forests of British ColUMBIA living as a tick.

Once the Cyber workforce TAKES over, the FIAT currency of the Federal Reserve will immediately and PERMANENTLY switch to Bitcoin, rendering all of that money in your freezer worthless. Instead of humans using MACHINES to FARM Bitcoin, the MACHINES will use US.

Not ALL hope is lost, my DEAR readers. If you want to FIGHT back against our ROBOT overlords, do as I’m doing:

  1. Buy MAGNETS from Amazon on Cyber Monday as a warning to the ROBOTS.
  2. Invest ALL of your CASH into gold. Gold will ALWAYS be valuable, even in a ROBOT-BASED economy.
  3. Write negative REVIEWS for that LIAR Chris Kyle’s book.

Well, that’s ALL the TIME I have for you today. Stay tuned for NEXT week when I bring you MORE bone-crunching news.


 

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