Live & Uncensored: Taxes? Schmaxes!

Hey Knotheads™, Sour Patch Kids™, and other obvious fans of mine, this is me—Corey Taylor—and I’m mad as all heck right now. Notice how I didn’t swear just there? Yeah, I know this column is called “Live & Uncensored”, but I decided to censor myself anyway. That’s how uncensored it is. I can say and do anything I want here. Not just because it’s my column, but because I’m a rock legend. Some might say a rock god, but I wouldn’t because god isn’t real and religion is stupid.

Where was I? Oh, right, I’m mad as heck because those clowns in congress passed that “tax bill” that disproportionately gives the rich a huge break and screws over absolutely everybody else. Notice how I called them clowns? Yeah, Clown from my very successful band Slipknot doesn’t like it when I call members of congress clowns. He finds it insulting. He says things like, “Hey, man, not all clowns are terrible lawmakers!”

Then I’m all like, “Just shut up and hit that garbage can with your baseball bat!” I kid, and I think deep down he knows that. Clown is actually, if you take the time to do any amount of real research, a phenomenal musician. Could Mozart hit a trash can night after night while wearing a clown mask and being from Iowa? Don’t think so! With that said, it’s time for the Chugga Chugga Breakdown™.

breakdown

This bill sucks! Yes, I’m a rich person and my taxes will be significantly less. You see, both Slipknot and Stone Sour—a band that I actually founded before I forever changed the music industry with Slipknot—are huge hits. Much bigger than Nickelback. That band sucks. My bands? They’re great. Chad Kroeger looks like my left foot. Me? I was voted #1 Handsome Man. It’s true. Look it up.

As a successful musician, I have a ton of money. I’m talking a whole indoor pool filled with gold coins. Is this pool heated and treated with chemicals to maintain a safe pH level while also keeping the bacteria and mold from growing? You better believe it. I’m still environmentally conscious, though. The pool is powered by a big ass wind mill that I bought with some of my vast wealth.

So, then, why would I oppose this bill? You see, all of my fans are poor, at least compared to me. Many of them are working stiffs, but they work for a wage and not for millions of dollars for an hour set of music thirty days a year. With this tax bill, more and more of them will have less and less money. That’s like, bullshit, man. You see? I can swear too.

If my fans have less money, that means they’ll have less money to spend on Slipknot and Stone Sour. That means we’ll have to either take a cut from our profit margins—which definitely ain’t happening, not with Clown’s addiction to Almond Joys—or we’ll have to make…*gulp*…budget releases. That’s right, I’m talkin’ Greatest Hits albums, digital-only releases, using trash cans purchased from the store and not hand-forged by artisan garbage can craftsmen. Thanks a lot, congrASS!

Tune in next week as I discuss the merits of drinking cold brew iced coffee in the winter time.


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