Yo Knotheads, Sour Patch Kids, Taylor Disciples, and other cool cats, it is I—your lord and savior Corey Taylor. You know what I read today? Well, quite a bit. You see, despite being the world’s most famous and most handsome rock and roll singer, I still make time to get a lot of reading done. Do you know how much Chad McNickelback reads? Probably nothing! No, that’s not true. He reads How to Suck Digest. Did you like that one? I just made that joke up right here on the spot. My sense of humor is part of what makes both Slipknot and Stone Sour such great bands. That and the seriousness in my lyrics.
Anyway, after reading 700 full-sized novels while waiting for my toast to toast—speaking of which, why does toast take so long to toast? You shove that damn bread in there, and wait, like, what? Several minutes? Maybe they should start selling bread that’s already toasted. Then all I would have to do is grab jam out of one of my two refrigerators (which I can afford as I am the most sought out after male vocalist of all time) and smear it on my pre-toasted toast. Don’t even try to steal that idea, people! I already mailed that shit to myself.
As I was saying, before I was rudely interrupted, I read this morning that President Donald “I’m Worse than Nickelback” Trump is imposing a 30% tariff on imported solar panels. Some of you may be asking, “Hey Corey, noted rock legend and legendary sex machine, what are solar panels?” Let me tell ya! You see, for you poor people who spend all your money on my albums and merchandise, solar panels are those little things that power your calculators. They’re, like, batteries or some shit, but powered by the sun. Cool, right? Well, rich people like me buy big ones and put them on our roofs and such. I have a dedicated solar panel for my toaster. Is that why it takes so long to toast? I’m gonna go test this theory, but I’ll be right back with the Chugga Chugga Breakdown™.
Okay, I’m back. I unplugged the solar panel, but then the toaster wouldn’t even toast at all. So I’m thinking that maybe the solar panel isn’t the problem here.
What is a problem, though, is this tariff. Tariffs on imported solar panels is stupid. Like, if my solar panels weren’t imported, they would cost more. If they cost more, I probably wouldn’t have a panel dedicated to my toaster. If I didn’t have one dedicated to my toaster, then I couldn’t have toast, as my experiment just proved.
You know, my buddy Clown from our Grammy Award-winning band Slipknot and I were talking about making Slipknot the world’s first solar-powered band. We would start first with the trash cans. Clown would swap out the baseball bats for some custom-made glow sticks. Or maybe we would just paint the bats with that glow paint. What makes that paint glow, anyway? Do they just crack open some fluorescent bulbs and dump that stuff into the paint?
Speaking of which, I once thought about painting my house in glow-in-the-dark paint. True story. Not even kidding, and I sure as shit ain’t lying. I’ve never lied once, not even to get out helping my cousin Toby move two summers ago. That’s right, Toby. I really was haunted by a ghost alien that stole my keys. I would never lie about such a thing. But yeah, I wanted to paint my house so that it would glow at night, so, you know, I wouldn’t need to turn on the porch light. Actually, now that I think about it, why haven’t I done it yet? I know my house is huge, but I could have other people paint it for me. In fact, maybe that’ll be an official Slipknot fan contest. Only 100 lucky fans will get to paint my house with that glow-in-the-dark paint.
Back to the bats: we would use those glow bats to provide lights to the solar panels on the trash cans, that would then power the whole stage show. The theater lights should help too, now that I think about it.
But now that the president—who is uglier than Chad “My Band Sucks and I Look Like a Cave Troll” Kroeger, by the way—has imposed this tariff, we probably can’t afford it. And if we can’t afford it, then nobody can. We literally have more money than the next five richest bands that wear masks and perform heavy metal music. Since I also front the equally successful Stone Sour, I must have even more money than the other members of the band. Sweet! I’m gonna import some solar panels… Damn it!
Thanks for reading. I’ll be back next time discussing what I found in my soup the other day (you WON’T believe it).