Hello folks, Jesse "The Newsman” Ventura here bringing you the REAL news straight from the TURNbuckle of TRUTH. Reuters has reported that AUSTRALIA is planning on unLEASHING a series of shark deTECTing drones in an atteMPT to make its beaches safer for the children. These ROBOTS can supposedly DETECT sharks from not-sharks swimming around in … Continue reading Breaking News: Death from Above
Hello again MAGGOTS, it’s your ol’ PAL Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here break some NEWS into your body. United States scientists have successfully MODIFIED the DNA of a VIAble human embryo using some thing called CRISPR. No folks, that ain’t no dating APP for fans of George Hamilton. No, it’s SOMEthing FAR more nefarious. While … Continue reading Breaking News: The Atomic Supermen
Hello COMRADES, it’s Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here again to DELIVER you the latest HARD HITTING news. On Sunday July 2, Donald Trump, the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, retweeted a video of him wrestling the CNN in a no-holds-barred fight. First of ALL, if THIS video were real—which I’ll get to inna MINUTE—it would … Continue reading Breaking News: Trump Wrestles CNN?
Hello FOLKS, Jesse "The Newsman" Ventura HERE. As you may have HEARD, I have taken up a job at RT. Let me ADDRESS your concerns here before I get to today’s news. First of all, just because I WORK for a Russian propaganda network, that doesn’t mean I am a STOOGE of VLADimir PUTIN. I … Continue reading Breaking News: Vladimir Putin and Sandwich Balloons
Hello FOLKS, this is Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura bringing you nothing but the REAL news, not that fake CRAP delivered to you by none other than the Rothschilds themselves. Our brother Chris Berman is TAKING some TIME off while he copes with a personal TRAGEDY. I believe THAT was a political hit by the DNC … Continue reading Breaking News w/Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura: #covfefe
Look out folks, this one is a doozy! HuffPost is reporting that a jury has convicted Desiree “Let’s Go to the” Fairooz for laughing during the Jeff “Studio” Sessions's confirmation hearing when it was said that Sessions treats people equally and fairly, even if they aren’t racially white. Whoop whoop! Not sure why they’ve asked … Continue reading Breaking News w/Chris Berman: Jury Convicts Woman for Laughing at Jeff Sessions
My employers at ESPN are rumblin’, stumblin’, and bumblin’ with their announcement of massive layoffs. Included in the cut are Jay “Stick In My” Crawford, Ed “Mark My” Werder, Trent “Kosher” Dilfer, and the entire frozen tundra of the NHL department. During the Stanley Cup playoff season, no less! Whoop whoop! Swami sayz this is … Continue reading Breaking News w/Chris Berman: ESPN Announces Mass Layoffs