Breaking News: Teslas in… SPACE

Hello comrades, it’s your old PAL Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here again to SMASH your faces into the TURNBUCKLE of TRUTH. AS you may have noticed, I haven’t been AROUND much lately. No, GEORGE SOROS didn’t have me disappeared to a secret DEEP STATE detention center on an EXXON oil rig in international waters. He just TRIED to kill me. I was out in the woods, living OFF THE GRID, when all of a sudden I plop my foot down right into a BEAR trap. As my MASSIVE body of pure MASCULINE energy came crashing to the mossy EARTH, I happened to spot a CLUE written on that trap: “MADE IN HUNGARY.” Ya know what ELSE was made in Hungary? Oh I don’t KNOW, GEORGE SOROS. If that wasn’t a callING CARD, then I don’t know WHAT is.

So that’s where I’ve BEEN. Out in the woods TRYING to use my SURVIVALIST skills to catch a CAB out of that forest and back to my OFFICE in time to write this piece. That AND film an episode of my TV show for Russian television. Not sure if VLADIMIR PUTIN has cancelled it or not YET. ALL I KNOW is that I have YET to receive a pay check. But THAT is between me and HIM and it’ll be settled in either a COURT of law or in the CAGE MATCH of Justice. Two MEN go in, and only LIBERTY comes out!

ANYway, today’s NEWSCAST isn’t about Putin or George Soros. It’s about another globalist: Elon MUSK. Earlier TODAY, Musk’s SpaceX company LAUNCHED their Falcon Heavy rocket into the cosmos. Put your pitchforks down, my FRIENDS, there ain’t nothin’ fake about that PIECE of news. AS somebody who has made MANY trips to outer space, on both Earth and alien techNOLOGIES, I can CONFIRM that his rocket did in FACT leave the EARTH. It’s what was SUPPOSEDLY attached to his rocket that is the PROBLEM.

Attached to the top of his SPACE CAPSULE was Musk’s own Tesla car, complete with a “dummy” in the driver seat. I’m here TODAY, to tell ya for a FACT, that that DUMMY was no dummy, but instead was none other than the body of SETH RICH.

Why black out the HELMET of a “dummy”?

As we ALL know, HILARY CLINTON personally murdered Seth Rich with a MEAT BULLET because he knew the truth about HER trying to RIG the DNC nomination. After killing him with the bullet MADE out of meat, the Clinton campAIGN knew that it would be too obvious that SHE did it, so they swapped out the BODIES. That BODY they found at that crime scene was NOT Seth Rich, but instead some sort of great APE. And I know a thing or two about GREAT ape doppelgängers. Vince McMAHON once TRIED to replace me in Wrestlemania with an orangutan, but WHEN I showed him my contract stating that I own MY OWN NAME, he was FORCED instead to replace Bob COSTAS with Gorilla MONsoon as my co-HOST.

MUCH like this HUNGRY MAN DINNER I’m about to devour as soon as I can FIGURE out how to turn this OVEN on, the REAL Seth Rich has been sitting in a freezer ever since his MURDER. So why MOVE his body now? WELL, I’ll tell ya. The investiGATIOn was ABOUT to be BLOWN wide open. That’s when the CLINTON campaign went to their political ally/donor ELON Musk with this idea to dispose of the REAL body in space.

The government KNEW it too. They were too AFRAID to go after MUSK, though. When his BORING COMPANY recently showed off its new FLAMETHROWER, it wasn’t intended as a NEW product for rich people, but rather a THREAT to the government. If he’s willing to SELL flamethrowers, then surely he has much more POWERFUL weapons in his warCHEST.


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