Breaking News: Forest of Illusions

Hello again disciples of truth, it is I, Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here again to CLOBBER your face and ribs with my biceps of truth and mitts of RAW strength. This past WEEK, some kid called Logan Paul ALLEGEDLY went to Aokigahara (aka The SEA of Trees) and filmed a YouTube video of himself making jokes NEXT to the corpse of a guy who allegedly hanged himself. I’m here to tell you, FOR A FACT, that none of those details is TRUE.

First of all, there is NO Logan Paul. Have you ever WONDERED why ain’t nobody ever HEARD of this GUY before? It’s because he was a PAID ACTOR. That’s right folks. He’s just Hugh Jackman wearing a ton of prosthetics. I was first TIPPED OFF when I NOTICED that this supposed “kid” had an OBVIOUS wig on. That’s a Farah Fawcett wig. I SHOULD know. I USED to have one when I wrestled as Pharaoh Fawcett in an UNDERGROUND wrestling league BACK in 1987. I can’t tell you the name OF the league beCAUSE if I do, Vince McMahon will TRY to take me to COURT and claim that I GAVE UP ownership of my name. But the joke is on him, I HAVE an IRONCLAD defense. I mailed my NAME to MYSELF, addressing the ENVELOPE as Jesse “The Body” Ventura in both the TO and FROM sections, and put that in my FIREPROOF safe that I carved out of PURE asbestos. Don’t believe those quACK doctors that tell ya that asbestos gives you CANCER! The CHINESE ate asbestos and a plant-based diet and NEVER had cancer until the WHITE MAN came.

Even the NAME Logan Paul is a HUGE clue as to his REAL identity. Logan obviously being derived from the character HUGH JACKMAN played in the movie X-Men 3: The Last Stand. Paul, on the other hand, just so HAPPENS to be JACKMAN’s favorite Beatle. With that much EVIDENCE, it’s IMPOSSIBLE not to see the truth here!

So why would HUGH Jackman dress up as a CHILD and make fun of a guy who committed suicide in the forests outside Mt. Fuji? Oh, gee, I DON’T know. COULD it BEEEEE that the GUY hanging in the video didn’t ACTUALLY kill himself? It’s true. This was a FALSE FLAG attack orchestrated by VLADIMIR PUTIN on beHALF of DONALD J. TRUMP.

You SEE, Hugh JACKMAN wasn’t even in Japan, but in FRONT of a green screen the WHOLE time. If he was ACTUALLY in Japan, why wouldn’t they be speaking in Japanese? And how did Hugh Jackman get there so QUICKLY when I just SAW him performing a musical at my local Regal CINEMAS? The man can’t be two PLACES at once. Not even the PREDATOR himself could pull that off, and he TRAVELED across space and time to fight me in the JUNGLE.

VLADIMIR PUTIN forced HUGH Jackman to star in this CHARADE to distract people from the recent claims by STEVE BANNON that Trump and his CRONIES committed treason against AMERICAN CITIZENS. If the JACKMAN didn’t obey, PUTIN would use the Russian Federation’s secret STOCKPILE of electromagnets to rip him to shreds.

Don’t fall for the FAKE NEWS, my friends. It’s nothing more than a distraction.


In all seriousness, Logan Paul is an ass. If you are feeling suicidal, help is available. Even if you feel you have nobody to talk to, there is always the Suicide Prevention Lifeline, as well as many other resources to turn to. Before you do anything permanent like attempt to take your life, please, please give these resources a chance.

If you aren’t someone who struggles with depression, consider donating your time or money to these organizations, and be mindful of your actions and the well-being of those around you.


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