Breaking News: Invasion of the Cybermen

Hello folks, Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here to PILE drive some news into your weak little minds.

A company in WISCONSIN has announced that its employees will have an “option” to receive an RFID IMPLANT between their index finger and thumb. According to Three Square MARKET, the company in question, the CHIPS will offer employees access to vending machines, doors, and computers, and will be distributed at a “PARTY” where “CHIPS AND SALSA” will be served. My friends, the only THING that will be SERVED at that party will be a bowl of MIND CONTROL with a freshly diced pico de TRACKO dip.

I am the former GOVERNOR of Minnesota, which is right up there by WisCONSIN. While I was busy exterminating invasive legislation and defending our great state from a handful of alien invasions, I never once HEARD of a Three Square Market. Isn’t it a bit of a coincidence that it’s THREE Square Market. It’s almost as if, oh gee, I don’t know, some team of cybernetic marketing geniuses chose the number because it’s psychoLOGICALLY appealing to humans and humanoid species.

“But Jesse, this COMPANY has existed for a while,” you might be saying. Well, it’s time to slam your face into the turnbuckle of TRUTH. This “COMPANY” has been playing the long game. They were secretly FOUNDED by a supercomputer currently orbiting just OUTSIDE of Saturn’s orbit. It has used the power of RADIO WAVES to corrupt and control Earthly devices. It’s why I don’t use computers, cell phones, WiFi, HiFi, or SciFi. Hell, I don’t even WATCH the SyFy channel. Not even to see if my name was mentioned on the WWE Smackdown! All of my correspondence is done through CARRIER pigeons. I send out thirty pigeons a DAY, and I’m told that ONE gets posted ONLINE every week. I would SAY that’s a good success rate.

Man or MACHINE? You TELL me!

Anyway, these computers have built a LEGION of robots who look like regular people, but I’ll tell you right here and right now, these “men” are nothing more than metal, silicon, and globs of LATEX rubber. They are using these CHIPS as a means of TURNING you into THEM. They will track your purchases, door entries, and computer usage, TAILORING your experience in order to make you more OBEDIENT.

They’ll offer you MORE upgrades, and before you know it, you’ll be a goddamn cybertronic ANDROID. You and the others will AMASS a robot ARMY who will try to enslave humanity. But I’ll tell ya, that ain’t gonna happen so long as ol’ Jesse is still around. I am a NAVY SEAL, and I will blast each and every one of your robotic hearts with this here SEMI-AUTOMATIC pulse laser rifle that I picked up at a second-hand shop in the Gamma Quadrant.

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