Breaking News: Trick or Treat?

Hello again, COMRADES, it’s Uncle Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here again to TWIST you into the full Nelson of TRUTH! It’s HalloWEEN time and that means that real, ACTUAL goblins and ghouls will be out LURKING the streets. The only WAY to quench their thirst for BLOOD is to give them Halloween candy. At least that’s what THEY want you to think.

THAT is a FALSEhood perpetuated by the Big Chocolate®. I’m talking the big DOGS, like Hershey’s, Nestle, M&M/Mars, and Oscar Mayer. Ever stop to think WHY these ghouls keep coming back on the same DAMN day every DAMN year? Well, I’ll ya.

The chocolate hasn’t been true HALLOWEEN chocolate since 1975. It was in THAT year that Halloween candy has become rePACKAGED regular candy. Those bat-shaped peanut butter cups are nothing MORE than BAT-SHAPED LIES!

And you know WHY these monsters keep coming back? It ain’t for the SERVICE, lemme tell ya! Big Chocolate® CREATED them and used an ancient VOODOO curse to control them. They’re using these monsters to force you to buy their chocolate. But that’s only the BEGINNING!

You see, Big Chocolate® is in CAHOOTS with the American Dental Association. When all that CANDY rots out your TEETH, they’ll drill holes in your HEAD and insert wireless TRANSMITTERS to broadcast pro-CHOCOLATE messages into your brain. The fluoride in the water POWERS their circuits!

So how can you stay safe on this day of terror? I got some tips for ya

  1. Build traps. I SUGGEST setting up a log triggered BY a trip wire to crush your foes to DEATH. They’re invading your SOVEREIGN property, so you HAVE the legal OBLIGATION to crush THEM to death.
  2. Recharge your laser blaster AS SOON as POSSible. If things get HAIRY, you don’t want your weaponry to run LOW on space batteries.
  3. Never brush your TEETH with TOOTHPASTE or drink TAP water. Instead use an organic TREE stick and brush with a little dirt. That extra GRIT will take the crud right OFF.

IF you follow my adVICE, ain’t no MONSTER gonna tear down your door and spill your PUNY little guts on the floor.

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