Breaking News w/Chris Berman: Jury Convicts Woman for Laughing at Jeff Sessions

Look out folks, this one is a doozy! HuffPost is reporting that a jury has convicted Desiree “Let’s Go to the” Fairooz for laughing during the Jeff “Studio” Sessions’s confirmation hearing when it was said that Sessions treats people equally and fairly, even if they aren’t racially white. Whoop whoop! Not sure why they’ve asked me to cover this story, quite frankly. I’m a sports guy. I do the football. The Boomer also does the baseball on occasion, but only when it means I get to head up to the frozen tundra of Toronto to cover the Blue Jays. I have no interest in the Blue Jays, but I do have an interest in codeine. I love the stuff! I put it in my coffee! What I do is I go to Toronto, throw out some loud catch phrases and BOOM! I head to the CVS, you see? The Canadians, they sell these aspirin pills with codeine in it. 222s, they call ’em. What I do is I put the pills in the lining of my sombrero. I take the sombrero with me to Canada to better fit in with their culture. You know, with the tacos and the baguettes or whatever. I buy the codeine, I smuggle it into the States in my sombrero, and pop the pills to get through the day.

What were talking about again? Oh right. Jeff “Jam” Sessions. Swami sayz don’t laugh at the man during the confirmation session. Wait. Session sessions? I think I stumbled, bumbled, and fumbled onto something great here. Maybe I should rewrite this piece? Nah, too late! The codeine is making it hrrd t otype.

News Verdict: Touchdown Codeine!

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