Hello again disciples of truth, it is I, Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here again to CLOBBER your face and ribs with my biceps of truth and mitts of RAW strength. This past WEEK, some kid called Logan Paul ALLEGEDLY went to Aokigahara (aka The SEA of Trees) and filmed a YouTube video of himself making … Continue reading Breaking News: Forest of Illusions
Hey Knotheads, Sour Patch Kids, and other fans of the Corey Taylor multiverse, it’s me, Corey Taylor—the lead singer and vocalist of such bands as Slipknot, Stone Sour, the Corey Taylor Experience, and Led Zeppelin (in this comic book I wrote and illustrated in a dream I had last night). As some of you might … Continue reading Live & Uncensored: “In the Weeds”
A door-to-door salesman comes to the Cooper residence and convinces Young Sheldon’s mother Mary to sign him up for piano lessons. Young Sheldon initially finds the idea of music to be stupid and pointless, but when his instructor (guest star Kate Mulgrew) tells him that it’s just an applied form of math, he gains a … Continue reading Young Sheldon, “Sing Us a Song, You’re the Bazinga Man”
When Jon Taffer suffers a massive heart attack, he is rushed to the hospital. But just because his body is struggling to stay alive, that doesn’t mean his mission to save American businesses from decay will cease. On the ambulance ride to the ER, Taffer criticizes not only the driver for not using a state-of-the-art … Continue reading Bar Rescue, “Emergency Rescue”
What do you get when Chris Columbus writes a film adaptation of a John Grisham comedy starring Tim Allen, Jamie Lee Curtis, Dan Akroyd and that kid who played Dewey on Malcolm in the Middle? If you guessed Christmas with the Kranks, you would be wrong. The correct answer was a complete and utter disaster. … Continue reading Bing Bang Review: Christmas with the Kranks
With the Gable children completely wiped from existence, Kevin decides to call upon help from the only man-spirit who could possibly help track down his kids: Santa Claus (Jim Belushi)! When Santa arrives, the two discover that whatever is causing Kevin’s reality to warp has also summoned an unwelcome guest—The Krampus.
Hey Knotheads™, Sour Patch Kids™, and other obvious fans of mine, this is me—Corey Taylor—and I’m mad as all heck right now. Notice how I didn’t swear just there? Yeah, I know this column is called “Live & Uncensored”, but I decided to censor myself anyway. That’s how uncensored it is. I can say and … Continue reading Live & Uncensored: Taxes? Schmaxes!
Bela Lugosi is back via computer magic for this all new holiday musical! When a blizzard strikes his castle, Dracula tries to make the best out of a bad situation by throwing a special holiday celebration for all his monster friends including Vampira (Ariana Grande), the Wolfman (Adam Lambert), Mitch McConnell (as himself), and the … Continue reading Dracula’s Batty Horrordays!
Greetings comrades, Uncle Jesse “The NEWSMAN” Ventura here to set the record straight with my biceps of knowledge. It’s being reported THAT the Walt Disney corporation is buying up 21st Century Fox for over $52 billion DOLLARS. That’s more MONEY than I’ve earned at ALL my Wretlemanias put together! Some ARE speculating that DISNEY is … Continue reading Breaking News: Fox in the House of Mouse
As the Potato Penny finds herself being the “other woman” in an affair with LA Angels first baseman Albert Pujols, her ex-husband Leonard, too, finds himself in a forbidden love as he and his grad student do some passionate “research” in the lab at night. Meanwhile, Sheldmond and Amy have a frustrating time trying to … Continue reading Big Bang Theory, “The Forbidden Fraternization”
When word gets out that Carl Sagan is giving a free lecture in Houston, Young Sheldon begs his parents to take him. When his drunken father George Sr. tells him that he can’t afford the gas, Young Sheldon weighs the pros and cons of hitchhiking. After Carl Sagan speaks to him in a dream, Young … Continue reading Young Sheldon, “The Pros and Bazingas of Hitchhiking”
Hey Knotheads and other fans of mine, it’s me—Corey Taylor—back again to do my moral obligation as the greatest and most handsome singer of all time to bring you my thoughts on stuff. Some may ask, what about Ronnie James Dio, Rob Halford, or Bruce Dickinson? Aren’t they greater? The answer is NO. I’m the … Continue reading Live & Uncensored: Gillibranded
Jon Taffer takes his knowledge of the restaurant and bar industry and sets his sights on Santa’s workshop. After witnessing on the hidden cameras Elves overstuffing the teddy bears, drinking on company time, and outputting toys at a slow rate, Taffer leaves his blacked-out snow mobile and heads in. He yells at Santa for his … Continue reading Holiday Rescue
When Kevin goes outside to grab the morning paper, he is greeted by Lou Ferrigno, who claims to be his neighbor. The two get to talking and Lou reveals that his sense of reality seems to have been warped ever since he went to a voodoo cult. Kevin then grabs the family dog formerly known … Continue reading Kevin Can Wait, “Kevin Keeps On Slippin'”
The Big Bang Gang™ meets up for brunch, they are shocked to discover something about their cloned friend Sheldmond—he is quickly becoming an old man. Amy argues that they should scrap the clone and print up a new one, while the Potato Penny argues that Sheldmond is perfect the way he is. While the friends … Continue reading Big Bang Theory, “The Age Acceleration”