Hey Knotheads, Sour Patch Kids, and the Legion of Cörey, it is I—Corey Taylor—here to bring you my thoughts on some stuff I just read about. Some might find this approach to be a bit shallow. They may ask, “Hey Corey, why are you taking to the presses to share your thoughts on a subject you literally just read about?” Well, you know, that just means, like, my opinions and thoughts are pure, you know? It means that, like, my opinions and stuff aren’t under the influence of anything but my own brains and knowledge. The thoughts are that of my own and my own alone. The news didn’t alter my mind. No talking heads or special interest groups got to me! This is all me. Pure! Raw! Uncensored! Just like my music, which was voted number one by the Official Corey Taylor Fan Club™.
Anyway, I was reading about technology today, because I’m a man who’s always looking for the best. Since I have the money to afford the best, I tend to always look for it. My bands are so highly successful that I tend to have lots of money to spend. But yeah, I read about this thing that plugs into your Apple Watch and tracks the potassium in your blood without the use of needles. Some might not know this, but I am 100% free of needles. Except for tattoos, but those needles don’t count. Those needles are for artists. Artists only inject my skin with, like, art and ink and shit. Wait. What am I talking about again? Oh, right.
This makes me mad. I mean, why do people even need to check their potassium? I eat 100 bananas every day. I am serious, as always. I have my own private plane fly them in from South America on the daily. I know, I could just go through a food wholesaler, or, like Costco or something, but I want them fresh. As fresh as a fresh banana. So I have my guy fly in a fresh pallet of bananas, and I eat all of them. Not at once. Throughout the day. I’m no monster. Unless you’re talking about me when I’m on stage. Then I am a monster. But rest assured, kiddies, I’m just a guy in a mask. Unlike Chad “Nickelback” Kroeger who is actually a monster.
But yeah, there is no such thing as too much potassium. No such thing. If I can eat 100 bananas and not have too much potassium, then that must be true of everyone. And don’t give me none of that cell electricity bullshit. If cells had electricity, then why does my phone keep dying? Shouldn’t that electricity just recharge my phone? Thought so!
Well, that’s all for now. Make sure to hit “like” and “subscribe”, and tune in next week when I discuss the pros and cons of eating hamburger helper straight out of the box.