What’s up, my Knotheads, Sour Patch Kids, Taylor Dandies, and other obvious fans of mine, it is I, your lord and saviour Corey Taylor. That’s right, I used a “U” in savior. You see, I’ve been to the England many a times. In fact, I might just go there again next week. You see, I have what you call lots of fame and clout. How much fame and clout? Enough to be the frontman of at least two Grammy-recognized heavy metal rock bands. That’s right. I front two bands. Let’s see Chad “My Face is Ugly and Also My Penis Has a Foul After-Taste” Kroeger say the same! He can’t because he isn’t!
Anyway, President Donald Jompers Trump just delivered his State of the Union address, which means that it is up to ME—the lead singer of Slipknot, Stone Sour, and Corey Taylor and the Corey in the House Band—to provide an Official™ response. AHEM. Before we get to my speech, let me clarify that when I typed AHEM just there, I actually did clear my throat in real life. I’m not like those lame-wads who type “LOL” without actually laughing out loud or “ROFL” without literally rolling on the floor from laughter. I already established that I not only do not lie, but that I am incapable of doing so. It’s true. My doctor confirms it. I’m hopeful that my medical marijuana prescription will cure me of this disability one day so that I may run for office, but until then, I will have to keep on keeping it real for you. Do you see what I just did? I basically said that in order to be a politician, I have to be a LIAR. Get it? Moving on.
El Trumpo basically just relied on his speech from last year which is pretty lame, man! Doing live performances is about not only busting out the hits from years past, but also padding out the set with bullshit from the latest album. Yeah, I know. Nobody wants to hear anything from the .5 Gray Chapter, but you know what? Fuck you! You’re going to hear it anyway. You know why? Because I’m the singer and I’m tired of singing the old shit. It’s old! Unlike me. I’m actually, believe it or not, the youngest metal singer of all time to sing in two bands with Wikipedia entries where one band wears masks and the other doesn’t. It’s true. Look it up. Don’t ask where. I don’t know. I’m not some young college kid. My knowledge comes from the streets.
But yeah, the union, man. It’s like, divided and shit. Trump is further dividing us with his anti-Mexican rhetoric. You know what, Trump? You can, like, shut up… and stuff! Mexicans regularly go to my shows! Beyond that, let me tell you a little story. On my 30th birthday, which wasn’t that long ago because I am so very young, I went to a Mexican restaurant. I drank tequila and Dos Equis beer. I enjoy the beverages of other cultures. When I thought the night couldn’t get any better, you know what happened? Several good-hearted Mexicans plopped a sombrero on my head, slid a deep fried ice cream in front of me, and sang me a song in their native tongue. In that very moment, I joined them despite the obvious language barrier. I belted out that tune. And you know what happened? I became a Mexican. Like, Quantum Leap. I became a Mexican and sang to myself. It was a glorious night. From that moment on, I knew it deep in my heart, deep in my lungs, and deep in my massive, but not too massive, testicles that it is imperative that we treat our neighbors to the south with the love and respect that they treated me with on that very night.
That’s all for now, my fans. Join me next time as I review this can of tuna I don’t remember buying.
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