Diggin’ Deep w/ Aunt Linda: Funyuns

Hey y’all, it’s your Aunt Linda here. After months and months of begging, I finally have my own feature on this website! Oh, how exciting! Since I have been given the freedom to write whatever my thrice-broken heart desires, I decided to dig deep and do a little bit of investigative journalism. Oh honey, the Pulitzer Prize is practically mine already. I’ve already cleared off a spot on my mantle right next to my dear late husband Lyle. Rest in peace, Boo Boo.

For today’s entry, I decided to tackle the issue of Funyuns—the original onion-flavored snack chip produced by the good folks at the Frito-Lay company. By the end of this article, you’re going to be an expert on all things Funyun! I’m gonna answer the question, “Are Funyuns really the fun onion?” I’m gonna give you a few novel uses of the Funyun, including some tips to take with you to the bedroom. And finally, I’m gonna give you a recipe for my famous Funyun Cream Cheese dip. Okay everybody, strap in, ‘cause here we go!

Are Funyuns really fun onions?

My initial gut reaction to this question would be, yes. I think so. Onions themselves can be sweet, but they can also make you cry. I don’t know about you, but the only time I like to cry is when I plop down on the couch in my robe and slippies, put on My Best Friend’s Wedding, and drink way too much merlot. So I guess that’s one advantage Funyuns have over real onions.

Since this is an investigative, holistic, all-encompassing piece, however, I decided to do a little research. Did you know, for example, that Funyuns are not actually onions? Yeah. True story. Funyuns are, apparently, made out of corn. Can ya believe it? If I wasn’t looking right at the list of ingredients, I wouldn’t believe it myself, yet there it is. In plain text. “Enriched corn meal.”

So then, if these aren’t actually deep-friend rings of onions, how do they look and taste that way? Well, kiddos, I’m here to tell ya. What they do is they make a batter out of corn meal and whatnot, extrude that batter into an industrialized frying machine, and then coat the resulting rings with powdered onions, salt, and other ingredients. Powdered onions, huh? Can you believe it? We’re getting one step closer to our food being in pill form, I tell ya.

So then, are they the fun onions? Well, they’re technically not onions at all. So while they certainly are fun, they don’t count as fun onions. That title will have to go to the Walla Walla sweets.

Fun with Funyuns

Although not a fun onion, Funyuns can still be used to have plenty of fun. When your Aunt Linda was a little girl, I used to like to pretend Funyuns were rings. Oh, me and my girlfriends used to reach into the bag and each pull out a Funyun. The one with the biggest ring got to be the bride and the rest of us pretended to be the bridesmaids. Who was the groom, you’re asking? Well, if it wasn’t little Ricky Schuberg from down the street. He was a little bit younger than us, but oh, was he was adorable. But you know what? I think he died. Yep. Got hit by a drunk driver on his way home from an A.A. meeting, if you can believe it. But you know what, if you gotta go, may as well go out with some irony.

Enough sadness, though. Life is about living. Speaking of living, if you want to liven up your bedroom, why not introduce some Funyuns into the mix. No, I’m not talking about snacking while you’re…uhhh…fornicating. You know how some guys put a certain type of ring around their…uh…rosy to help sustain the strength of their…uh…pole? Well, why not try using a Funyun? Now, I’ve never tried this before. My Lyle was not the adventurous type, but this seems like it could be a really solid idea. Add a little flavor to the mix, if you know what I mean. Just a warning, though—watch out for crumbs. Crumbs can be a problem you don’t want to introduce into the mix, so maybe keep a dust buster nearby.

Fun Dip

Tired of being invited to parties and never knowing what to bring? Well, I’m about to give you a Masterchef-quality chip dip recipe that will blow the pants off anything anyone else brings. I’m looking your way, Brenda! Trust me, this ain’t your grandma’s French Onion dip! It’s mine—your Aunt Linda’s!

French “Funyun” Cream Cheese Dip

Ingredients:

1 “snack size” bag Funyuns

1 block cream cheese

1/2 cup sour cream

1/4 cup chipotle mayonnaise

Black pepper to taste

(Optional) Chives to garnish

Directions:

So, okay, what you’re gonna want to do is to go ahead and crush up those Funyun chips. Oh, it’s so much fun. In fact, if you got any little rugrats running around, you can let them do this step. What I do is I leave them in the bag and just, you know, go to town smashing them. I use a rolling pin, I use my hands, a meat tenderizer, you know it! Whatever I got that will fulfill my emotional needs at the time. Food really is about the emotions, you know.

Then, in a large bowl, cream together that cream cheese with the sour cream and mayonnaise. Now, if you aren’t a fan of all that spice, you can use a regular mayo. It’s okay, I won’t judge. If you want to kick it up another notch—BAM—you can go ahead and use the Flamin’ Hot variety of the Funyuns in the previous step. Oh, it’ll be so pretty with those red crumbly bits in the mix. More on that in a bit.

After you cream all the creamy stuff together, go ahead and fold those Funyuns into the mix. I use a silicon spatula to do this. I think I go this one for my birthday last year. Or was it from my retirement party? Oh, who can remember anymore?

Add the black pepper to taste and the chives to looks and get to dippin’! But first, go ahead and mix yourself a cocktail, why not. You’ve earned it, sweetie.

And, there you have it. Funyuns, although not the fun onion they are rumored to be, are still a valuable part of this society. They’re delicious in their own right, fun to play with both in and out of bed, and will make you the life of the party. See you next time as I Dig Deep into another topic. (And feel free to give me a call. You never call anymore.)

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