Live & Uncensored: Hamburgled

Hey there Knotheads, Sour Patch Kids, Taylorites, and other fans of mine, it’s me, your favorite heavy metal vocalist Corey Taylor here again to share with you my thoughts on the news and whatnot. It’s been a rough news week, and I know you’ve all been waiting on me to comment on it. And you know what? I will. Give me a minute to type out my thoughts. You know, I once tried one of those text-to-speech things before. It didn’t work too well, though. The problem is that whenever I have a microphone in front of my face, I can’t just talk into it. I gotta sing. And when I sing, I sing both loud and proud. I ain’t no hack like Chad “My Face is Stupid and So is my Haircut” Kroeger. He can’t sing both loud and proud at the same time. It’s always one or the other with that guy. Me, on the other hand, I sing both ways, and I do so in every band I’m in. That’s why I own a Grammy award. My valet driver told me so.

Where was I? Oh yes. The news. Yeah, it’s been a rough week for news, and I know you’ve been waiting on me to tell you what to think about it. While I could go on for years about my thoughts on the news, it’s probably for the best if I tackle just one issue at a time. You see, I’ve been accused of rambling in the past. Yeah, I know. What a ridiculous accusation! Everything that I say is inherently on-topic! You know why? Ask me why. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

Did you ask yet? I just realized I can’t hear you through my computer. I accidentally broke off my headphone plug into the jack, so now my computer thinks that I have headphones in there. This is single-handedly the reason why Slipknot doesn’t have a new album ready. Sure, I have demos recorded on this thing, but I can’t hear it! What a load!

Anyway, I’m here today to talk to you about McDonald’s Happy Meals. You know Happy Meals, right? They’re like regular fast food meals, but tiny and for children. They usually come with a toy. I’ve been talking to Clown about getting a line of Slipknot toys, but he’s afraid people will confuse him for Ronald McDonald. The thing is, I thought he was Ronald McDonald. But yeah, McDonald’s plans on removing hamburger sandwiches from all of its Happy Meal lineups around the world by 2022 in an effort to reduce the salt, sugar, and fat contents of its child meals for babies. What do I think about this, you may be asking? Are you asking? I told you, I CAN’T HEAR YOU! MY SPEAKERS AREN’T WORKING! Well, if you are asking, which I know you are, then you’ll have to wait for the Chugga Chugga Breakdown™… which happens to be right now.

The hamburger sandwich is what McDonald’s is, like, known for. Removing it, and shrinking the size of the french-fried potato garnish, for health reasons, is like, you know, bullshit! What are kids supposed to eat? Chicken McNuggets? Apple slices? Get the eff out! I’m not talking to you, readers. I’m talking to this stray cat that just wandered into my home. Shoo! Shoo! Get!

It’s my fault really. I did nothing to prevent this. I just assumed that the hamburger sandwich was safe from this overly “PC” culture we have here. I guess I should have known better when they removed cocaine from the recipe of their Special Sauce. But you know, I’m an innovator, so I’m gonna fix this. McDonald’s, I’m giving you this new Happy Meal menu for free. That’s right, not charge. In exchange, all I ask for is a line of Slipknot toys. You know. For kids.

1. Grilled…wait for it… cheese. That’s right. A grilled cheese. Use a low sodium cheese or something, if you must. The kids won’t care.
2. Tacos. Or burritos. Or both? Yeah. Yeah! Have both. Jack in the Box has tacos. If they can do it, so can you, McDonald’s!
3. Tuna casserole. Actually, ignore that one. It’s not a very good suggestion. It’s too messy for a kid’s meal intended for children.
4. Peanut Butter AND Jelly sandwich. The good ol’ PB&J. Put that on a hamburger bun and you got yourself a sandwich!
5. French fry sandwich. This one requires explanation, so shut the EFF up while I explain it. Have you shut up yet? Once again, I CAN’T HEAR YOU! MY SPEAKERS ARE BROKED! This sandwich consists of a bun, french-fried potatoes, a hashed brown patty, a slice of cheese, katchup, and another bun. Kids will love it. I know I would were I a little child.

Well, now I’ve gone and made myself hungry. Hungry enough to eat a whole jar of mayonnaise. That means it’s time for me to wrap this up. Catch you all next time when I live blog cleaning out my junk drawer. You won’t BELIEVE what I’ll find in there!