Super Bowl 2000: Attack of the Football

It’s the Super Bowl again, and yet again it’s the New England Patriots versus Some Other Team. The Philadelphia Eagles are set to play the role of Some Other Team, but if they somehow get lost, the Cleveland Browns have agreed to step in on account of their having absolutely nothing better to do.

The “Star Spangled Banner” will be performed by a pop star, who will receive both praise and criticism for how well/poorly they performed the song. Your conservative relative will conflate nationalism with patriotism and post something about standing for the flag.

Football will be played in-between long stretches of advertisements. This year’s ads will be a healthy mix of confusing vignettes that don’t seem to know what product they are selling, unfunny bits that feature talking animals or babies that everybody will feel compelled to mention at work on Monday, unfunny bits that feature talking animals or babies that try and fail to be something that everybody feels compelled to mention at work on Monday, and good ol’ fashioned reenforcement of heteronormative gender roles. Oh, did I mention ads that try to seem deep without actually saying anything? Ads that feature, I don’t know, soldiers, farmers, or other such blue collar types? Yeah. Those will be there too.

Right around the time that you regret eating so much garbage snack foods, but before you decide to double down and cram your face full of more garbage snack foods, will be the Half Time Show starring Justin Timberlake. Insert “Bringing Sexy Back” joke here. Insert Janet Jackson joke right here. And for good measure, insert a joke about N*SYNC here. We good? Okay. Moving on.

Even worse ads will then take over the broadcast, and those who watch this thing for the advertisements will start spending more and more time grazing over the snack selection. (Even daring to sample that questionable chip dip.) Well, after Tweeting about that outrageous half time show. Can you believe he did that!?

The game will end after what seems like an eternity. The team with the most points will be crowned WINNER OF ALL THE FOOTBALL and will be handed a trophy that is for some reason not made out of chocolate. People will make fun of the Patriots for being cheating bastards regardless of the outcome. Monday morning will follow and people with no interest in sports will have to pretend to care about football for at least a few more days before it can safely exit their pre-scripted small talk routine. “That was some game, huh?”

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