Knotheads, Sour Patch Kids, Cult of Corey, and anyone else who might be reading, it is I—the Great Corey Taylor—here to dispense my thoughts and wisdom on you. You see, as a celebrity rockstar rock god, it is my moral obligation to dedicate at least part of my very busy schedule to inform the uneducated masses about how to think about issues that I care about. That is why I take a portion of my very busy schedule to inform you uneducated masses about how to think about issues that are important to me. This counting as tax deductible volunteer work under Trump’s new tax plan has nothing to do with it, I assure you. That is like the whipped cream on top of an already delicious Kozy Shack pudding.
Speaking of Kozy Shack and Trump, as we entered this weekend, Trump referred to Haiti as a “shithole” while complaining about how we don’t get enough white immigrants. “Why do we want all these people from shithole countries coming here?” he allegedly said. You know, I have yet to perform a concert in Haiti. It’s true. Despite the fact that Slipknot is considered by most to be the second greatest band of all time (second only to my other band Stone Sour), I have yet to play a concert there. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I did a solo gig there once. While on a vacation, I decided to do an impromptu concert on the streets of Port-au-Prince. It was just me yelling out the words of my heart’s song at anyone who came near. Quite honestly, I expected a bigger crowd. Anyway, here is my Chugga Chugga Breakdown™.
So this is just racist, right? Donald “Burnt Steak with Ketchup” Trump is just a racist, right? I mean, I’ve played some real shitholes before, but I never told them that their home was a shithole. For example, when I’m playing a show in New Jersey, I never tell them that their state is a total shithole. No, instead I tell them what a great audience they are. Then I tell them to sing part of the song for me. They think it’s a trick to get them involved, but really I’m just tired. You see, I perform every single night. With both bands. When I don’t have an actual gig booked, I perform a set in front of my bathroom mirror. Do I drag in a microphone and amplifiers? Ab-so-lutely! When I perform Slipknot material, I put on the jumpsuit and mask, and when I play the Stone Sour set, I take that shit off and put on clothes that make me look like a homeless person. Not to denigrate the homeless. I cast no judgment. I’m merely referring to the fact that they tend to wear many layers of clothing—for warmth—and carry a bindle. And a top hat that looks like it was cut open with a can opener. That’s all.
But yeah, as a leader, it’s your responsibility to say only the stuff that will get people moving and grooving, not stuff that insults entire groups of people. He’s the president of ALL Americans, not just rich white Americans. Just like I am the singer of all members of Slipknot, not just the ones who play actual instruments.
If we were to block any immigrants, we should block shitty rock bands from Canada. Specifically, Nickelback. More specifically, Chad Kroeger. He’s an ugly man. Seriously, have you seen his face? Totes uggs! He looks like my foot before I sand off all the bunions. I, on the other hand, am among the most beautiful people on Earth. I heard a rumor that I was voted Sexiest Man Alive in 2017. I don’t read tabloids, so I can’t confirm it, but my source seemed pretty confident. They even laughed after telling me, they were that excited!
So yeah, Donald Trump, you can STUFF IT! You and my Kroeger-brand generic Chad Kroeger!
That’s all from me this time. Make sure to like and subscribe. See you next time as I discuss whether or not I should form my own form of cryptocurrency.