Listen up, ya bunch of Knotheads and Sour Patch Kids! Do you like what I did there? I pretended as though my nickname for you, dear fans of mine, was an insult. It’s not, though. You wear it as a badge of honor. Put that on your resumés. Write on the top of it, “Proud … Continue reading Twitter & Torn
Hello comrades, it’s your old PAL Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here again to SMASH your faces into the TURNBUCKLE of TRUTH. AS you may have noticed, I haven’t been AROUND much lately. No, GEORGE SOROS didn’t have me disappeared to a secret DEEP STATE detention center on an EXXON oil rig in international waters. He … Continue reading Breaking News: Teslas in… SPACE
Hello again disciples of truth, it is I, Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here again to CLOBBER your face and ribs with my biceps of truth and mitts of RAW strength. This past WEEK, some kid called Logan Paul ALLEGEDLY went to Aokigahara (aka The SEA of Trees) and filmed a YouTube video of himself making … Continue reading Breaking News: Forest of Illusions
Greetings comrades, Uncle Jesse “The NEWSMAN” Ventura here to set the record straight with my biceps of knowledge. It’s being reported THAT the Walt Disney corporation is buying up 21st Century Fox for over $52 billion DOLLARS. That’s more MONEY than I’ve earned at ALL my Wretlemanias put together! Some ARE speculating that DISNEY is … Continue reading Breaking News: Fox in the House of Mouse
Hey Knotheads and other fans of mine, it’s me—Corey Taylor—back again to do my moral obligation as the greatest and most handsome singer of all time to bring you my thoughts on stuff. Some may ask, what about Ronnie James Dio, Rob Halford, or Bruce Dickinson? Aren’t they greater? The answer is NO. I’m the … Continue reading Live & Uncensored: Gillibranded
Hello again folks, it’s your ol’ pal Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here to RATTLE the cages and break this folding CHAIR of KNOWLedge over your puny little skulls. News dropped today from the InterNATIONAL Olympic Committee that the nation of Russia will be BARRED from the 2018 games as punishment for systematic state-SPONSORED doping at … Continue reading Breaking News: Straight Dope
Friday College Football, ESPN The Washington State Cougars take on the USC Trojans in a game that is certain to be called football. The Cougs have the home field advantage, which means that if they manage to outscore the Trojans, and if the sacrifice has appeased the great old ones, they should win the victory. … Continue reading Coming up next… (Sep. 29-Oct. 1)
Hello folks, Jesse "The Newsman” Ventura here bringing you the REAL news straight from the TURNbuckle of TRUTH. Reuters has reported that AUSTRALIA is planning on unLEASHING a series of shark deTECTing drones in an atteMPT to make its beaches safer for the children. These ROBOTS can supposedly DETECT sharks from not-sharks swimming around in … Continue reading Breaking News: Death from Above
Hello again MAGGOTS, it’s your ol’ PAL Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here break some NEWS into your body. United States scientists have successfully MODIFIED the DNA of a VIAble human embryo using some thing called CRISPR. No folks, that ain’t no dating APP for fans of George Hamilton. No, it’s SOMEthing FAR more nefarious. While … Continue reading Breaking News: The Atomic Supermen
Hello COMRADES, it’s Jesse “The Newsman” Ventura here again to DELIVER you the latest HARD HITTING news. On Sunday July 2, Donald Trump, the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, retweeted a video of him wrestling the CNN in a no-holds-barred fight. First of ALL, if THIS video were real—which I’ll get to inna MINUTE—it would … Continue reading Breaking News: Trump Wrestles CNN?
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