College Football, ESPN
The Washington State Cougars take on the USC Trojans in a game that is certain to be called football. The Cougs have the home field advantage, which means that if they manage to outscore the Trojans, and if the sacrifice has appeased the great old ones, they should win the victory.
Chicken or Fish?, ABC
Regis Philbin is back with the hot new game show that’s sweeping the nation! In Chicken or Fish?, contestants must taste elaborate dishes prepared by their significant other and then answer whether or not the dish was made with chicken or fish.
Geraldo Rivera Special Event, Fox News
With the Al Capone thing still haunting his career full of questionable decisions, Geraldo has decided now is the time for redemption. In a special live event, Geraldo will open, for the first time in a decade, all of the mail from an old PO box he forgot he had. Will he find lost treasure? Jimmy Hoffa? Checks from his grandmother? Tune in to find out!
Judge Judy, Syndication
The honorable Judge Judy hears the case of The People v. Kid Rock. The People maintain that Kid Rock is a talentless hack whose music is so bad that it constitutes multiple crimes against humanity. Kid Rock claims that they just don’t understand the genius of stealing other people’s music, then adding lazy lyrics about being a scumbag on top. Who’s right? Who’s wrong? Only Judge Judy can decide.
MTV Unplugged, MTV
Nirvana once again graces the acoustic stage of MTV Unplugged! Kurt Cobain’s suicide won’t get in the way of the fun as he steps out onto the stage for the first time in nearly three decades…in hologram form! The band performs all the classics, and even gets a helping hand with special guests Hologram Ronnie James Dio, Hologram Freddie Mercury, and Hologram Tupac.
Guy Fieri’s Sausage Fest, Food Network
Guy heads out in his pork-powered Camaro to check out some trashy favorites out by the dumpster at the third-best dining hall at UCLA. The chapter president of ΛΚΠ shows Guy the best way to get a freshman to buy your lunch, while Guy repays the favor by showing him how to inject a whole bone-in ham into a brisket.
Celebrity Family Feud, ABC
Noted homophobe Steve Harvey makes funny faces as his panel of celebrities say things far less repulsive than the garbage that he says outside the show. Tonight’s episode features Ronald McDonald and the McDonaldland monsters VS an apathetic Norm Macdonald and a panel of other comedians who have recently played the deceased Colonel Sanders.
Pandemonium breaks out in this must-see episode of Survivor. Tired of seeing Jeff Probst and crew staying off site in a lavish resort, the contestants take arms and begin the revolution. Probst and crew must compete in elaborate challenges to win rations and immunity. At the end of each episode, they must vote off somebody to be killed.
Bar Rescue, Spike
The weird Dan Akroyd/Gilbert Gottfried amalgamation Jon Taffer sets his sights on a historic landmark, The Overlook Hotel. There, he is greeted by Lloyd the Bartender. Taffer screams at his face for only serving one deranged caretaker per winter instead of 20 to 30 people per minute. When former caretaker Delbert Grady tries to convince Taffer to murder his family, Taffer instead heads up to the rooms where he discovers a bathtub full of blood, slime, and a decaying ghost woman in room 217.