Hey Knotheads, Sour Patch Kids, and other fans of the Corey Taylor multiverse, it’s me, Corey Taylor—the lead singer and vocalist of such bands as Slipknot, Stone Sour, the Corey Taylor Experience, and Led Zeppelin (in this comic book I wrote and illustrated in a dream I had last night). As some of you might know, when I’m not busy singing the songs of a generation, I like to dabble in the smoking of this TOTALLY NATURAL plant that comes straight from mother Earth. You may have heard about it. It’s called marijuana.
Marijuana helps me get into the right mood to write the songs that make your lives worth living. So when I turned on my phone this morning, and checked my social media feed, and saw that Attorney General Jeff Sessions is rolling back President Obama’s “hands-off” approach to federal intervention on states with legal weed, I immediately flushed my toilet, washed my hands, and walked down the kitchen. You see, I may be a rich person, but I’m not too rich to make my own coffee. I have enough money to be that rich, but I’m still a man of the people. How many other lead singers of bands as big as mine can say the same? Not many. That’s largely because most bands aren’t as big as mine. Maybe the Beatles, but they haven’t had a hit in years. Besides, Paul McCartney couldn’t do two bands at once. And when he did Wings, he didn’t even wear a mask! I at least wear a mask in one of my bands, but that’s because I actually care about my fans.
Anyway, I read that news, made some coffee, and decided to share my thoughts on my column. This column. This one that you’re reading, in case I wasn’t clear. I know sometimes I write to such a high degree of intellect that I confuse my readers. Not everyone can be as smart or handsome as me. Certainly not Chad McNickelback. That guy is a lame wad. That said, here’s my Chugga Chugga Breakdown™.
I don’t like this ONE BIT. Nope. Not at all. You know, like, if, you know, states want to, like, have legalized pot, then they, you know, have the right to do that. Freedom of states rights, man!
Also, you know, weed is natural. It comes from the Earth. It’s nature. I’m not talking Skippy Natural peanut butter, either. It says it’s natural, but every time I go into the forests, I can’t find any jars of peanut butter. I’ve looked, too. Believe me, I look at least once a month for some pre-jarred, stir-free peanut butter. I love the stuff, and would like to not have to buy it so often.
Here’s a recipe for a sandwich I came up with. You take some bread, and toast it. I like to toast it on a #4 setting on my toaster, but that number probably changes depending on the toaster. I should also note that my toaster is a standard, upright toaster. It’s like the Brave Little Toaster, except I’ve never seen it go on any adventures. Not even when I put it near my heated blanket, AM radio, vacuum cleaner, and desk lamp. Not one adventure. Sad.
So you take that toast, then spread some peanut butter on it. While the toast is still warm. I guess you could wait, but I never do. I get so hungry sometimes. Hungry enough to eat some food. Then, while the peanut butter is still on the bread, add some jam. Strawberry is pretty good. So is raspberry. Some people like grape, but I don’t know. Never tried it. If you’ve tried it, send me a comment down below and let me know how it tastes.
Once all that stuff is on the toast, you shove it in your mouth and eat it. Good stuff, man. Uh… I’ve gotten off track. Oh. Yeah. Weed. Yeah, Jeff Sessions should take his anti-weed stance and shove it! I bet he listens to Nickelback!
That’s all for today. Don’t forget to like and subscribe. Join me next week when I cover MY thoughts on the return of Roseanne.